Or, What reading The Defining Decade taught me about work life as a twentysomething
I am very much in the midst of my twenties, and when I say midst, I mean I’ve not more than dipped my toes into them. Despite this, I feel the burden of what this decade of my life is supposed to bring; as you may be too, I am plagued by thoughts of a world I am supposed to know but feel unprepared for.
But fear not! I read a really good book about this so you don’t have to (I’m kidding, of course, you should read the book its quite good). I read The Defining Decade: Why your twenties matter—and how to make the most of them now by Meg Jay, PhD and basically had an out of body experience. I initially found it because I was also browsing at the Amazon Bookstore and saw it as a recommended read, so I’m not the only one who thinks this stuff is worth thinking about. Turning back to the content of the book, I appreciated that not only does Jay discuss notions of career decisions that had been hanging over my head, but also speaks on advice that I feel would be useful to my fellow twentysomethings.
A simple synopsis: In The Defining Decade, clinical Psychologist Dr. Meg Jay takes account of therapy sessions with clients in their 20s. They all have varying lives and obstacles, and Jay takes us through some of these to show the universal lessons learned among them in three focused sections: Work, Love, and The Brain And The Body.
For today I’m going to focus on some chapters in the “Work” section that were quite useful to me as a twentysomething undergraduate. In relation to the insecurities about employability, conventionality, and happiness of my career future, the following chapters hit me pretty hard and regardless of your age, I think you should take notice of their advice too.
Chapter 1: Identity Capital
Identity Capital is defined as an individual’s collection of personal assets, the repertoire of experiences we gather as we live. Its more than just work experience, it’s a measure of exposure, life experience, interests, and drive. Like Jay’s clients, I fear the jump from college into a series of unfulfilling jobs that may take up my twenties. Despite this, I also fear becoming lost and unsuccessful by avoiding said jump.
I fear I’ll shoot myself in the foot by a series of poor decisions, and to cope, will join the many others who glorify lostness as ‘wanderlust’ as well as a shabby-chic series of retail jobs and late rent payments in this decade of life. I’ve been calling this shabby fantasy the “making it work” phase of life and have been looking forward to it because I idealize living hedonistically. But I also know myself well enough that despite this dream, I would be driven to a brink by anxiety if I stayed idle in my career aspirations for an entire decade. This exact thinking and phenomenon is what Jay writes about, stating that “Twentysomethings who take the time to explore and also have the nerve to make commitments along the way construct stronger identities.” She encourages that we mix of directed and undirected experiences in your twenties: a combo of a dream internship or getting published, and a dog walking job, getting your mixologist license or a summer long backpacking trip.
In thinking about applying this to both my own life and others, I know that it’s not an immediate fix but a mentality and lifestyle approach. You can be both curious and explorative but practical and smart. You’ll of course start your adulthood by making informed decisions, but all the while being a little selfish, too. No one’s perfect doing something for the first time and of course you need to learn some things by experience. I, for instance, put money away in a savings account each time I get a paycheck, and I also set some aside for a new tattoo every now and then.
Do I need a tattoo? No. Do I want one? Yes! And I can get one so long as I don’t compromise other commitments like depositing money to save.
Internalizing this message from Dr. Meg Jay’s has led me to reflect on my life and the choices I made, understanding them as ways for me to build up to a ‘mature’ adulthood. I won’t get everything perfect, and I shouldn’t try to do so, instead, I should try and do things as good as I can and be smart about it along the way.
Chapter 2: Weak Ties
I think here, Jay might have well said, in regards to my own self-thoughts and approach to life, “Jacquie—your toxic! Your thoughts are toxic.” This is because I often tell myself the limiting phrase: “I want to get a job on my own.” This is something that I have heard myself say many times and as a result, it turns out I’ve developed a toxic perspective on utilizing connections like family, friends, or former employers for job opportunities, all because it felt like the easy way out. Although this might feel like a one-off instance, I know I’m far from alone in this thinking.
This sort of approach has resulted from the pressures to find a stable job through networking, which is of course difficult if you don’t already have experience or contacts in the industry or network that you want to join. While my sentiments have changed as I’ve gotten older and learned more, I often have to remind myself not to limit my opportunities because it makes me feel less “self-made.”
When I’m particularly struggling, I remind myself, as Dr. Meg Jay’s book does, that weak ties are the most important ties to hold onto in terms of career growth. The people you are around most will tend to have the same thoughts, connections, and perspectives as you. So, in order to actually grow and find new opportunities, it is essential to keep up with acquaintances—someone you met at a party once, old professors, the family friends and distant relatives that you admire or connect with. These people are removed enough from your daily routine to provide new opportunities and mindsets that are not already circulating in your orbit. They are the ones that will bring new opportunities to the table.
So how do I address this without thinking that I’m ‘using’ someone? I try and do relevant and important work that I care about to form mutual bonds with people. Getting to know people that I can help, but who could also help me out down the line is key. While my Dad would give me similar advice about employability, it helps me consider how I can make and maintain strong professional and personal bonds with others: “Make yourself interesting. Make yourself relevant. Do your homework so you know precisely what you want or need.”
Again, I strive not to shoot myself in the foot by the decisions I make in this decade, so here are my vows to maintain my weak ties (so you can hold me accountable and maybe create some vows of your own):
I will start a discourse with my old high school English teacher who I connected, and I will message the creatives online that I admire in order to make my face, interests, and qualifications known. I have to explore and ask for what I want and I have to make the moves that will help me grow.
Utilizing these connections isn’t taking the easy route, it’s the smart route, and one that will benefit the both of us down the life, both personally and professionally.
Chapter 5: The Customized Life
I don’t like the idea of chasing a single idealized career, because placing the weight of both financial stability and fulfillment in one job can be intimidating. Instead, I now piece together my life instead of expecting happiness and unconventionality to come from one source, as discussed in the fifth chapter of Dr. Jay’s book.
Like Ian, one of Dr. Jay’s difficult clients, I fear being conventional. Like most people my age I think I am special and deserving of an extraordinary life; I have “the dread of doing what has been done before” because I do not believe that path will give me the ‘greatness’ I think I am bound for (and judge me all you want for saying that we know that most people are raised to think they are special and bound for greatness, you included). I can sympathize with Ian because I don’t want to be an assembly line employee hot off the presses of a mundane university education. I want to be bound for something amazing, but that does not mean I have to reinvent the wheel, as Jay asserts.
I found comfort in a bike metaphor Ian and Jay talked about during their sessions; the idea that “life could be personalized and changeable, but…would probably need to start with some common parts.” I can accept the common parts of my path, like a degree and a slightly relevant job or internship that gets the ball rolling after college.
Wrapping Up
I know that I don’t want to expect a single career to completely fulfill me, for I believe that’s just wishful thinking. I love writing poetry, have been granted small successes in getting published and do not intend to compromise that part of me. But I also know that I value a steady and reliable income, therefore I do not want to pressure myself to expect a single career to address both of these values.
I want to piece together a life that will make me happy, such as discovering a reliable career while pursuing creative side projects, and I am excited to finally start to see what that may look like. Granted this will take trial and error all throughout my twenties, but I’m up for the challenge.
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So there, I read The Defining Decade and now you don’t have to, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Take my interpretation of Jay’s advice if you wish, but better yet, read the book and interpret it yourself. I’ll be here to discuss your thoughts with you when you’re done.